All About Fyca Dolce Agonia. . .

imy, mummy.

2009-09-26T01:41:00.002+08:00

yellow people.
first of all, selamat hari raya to all muslims.

went to visit mum again this morning with bro and aunt.
televisit this time.
cool or what?
the prison link centre at toa payoh was cool but the service sucks.
just imagine, we reached as early as 8.15 to register for our 9.05 visit.
but sadly, the people who register after us, get to go into the visit cubicle first.
i was like, cb!
my aunt put on a 'mask' and ask politely, when is our turn.
then that rude fatso lady officer said that, "we are dealing with many visitors, so must wait for the cwp to call us first before we can let u in".
my aunt return to her seat crusing and swearing.
i feel like writing a feedbackform about their stupid service and wanted to introduce a 'FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE' service.
that would be great.

almost 9.15 then the male officer called my aunt name, which means our turn.
me, bro and aunt race to room 13.
settle ourselves...and waited for my mum to appeare on the so-called tv screen.
kinda jakon.
so as usual we talked.
mummy is getting more chubby as compared to last time.
more preetaye!
tho she had a little confessions to make.
she's pregnant!
i was like....huh! shocked and the same time excited to have new sibling.
not yet knew whether its a girl or a boy.
hmm. would not like to elaborate much on that further.
then during the last 5 mins, i would like to take the oppurtunity to beg forgiveness from her and wish her happy belated 38th birthday and selamat hari raya.
past years i have done much that hurt her feelings.
her also would like to beg forgiveness from me that she had not been a good mother to her children.
that was the part that i cried.
in fact, raya this year wasn't the same without her.
usually mothers would be busy cooking malam raya for raya dishes.
usually she yang sibuk2 persiapan raya.
but this year, she can't do that.
i miss that bossy sexy side of her.
but what can i do.
i hve accept the fact that she is in there.
i've forgive her a long time ago.
busuk2 mana pun' dier tetap mak aku kan.
i redha.
i send her card raya and she replied it with a long letter.
the last 10 seconds i wave good bye to her.
and said that i love hr.
as expected she cried again.
then 5..4..3..2..1..-------
she was gone.
i left the room with a heavy heart.
her court case asyik kene postpone je.
all i can do is just wait.

and wait.......

please.

2009-08-11T16:04:00.004+08:00

heyya.
blogblogblog..
Oh here i go again. -.-"
Well.
Been busy with shifting house lately.
now getting use with the new place.
Okay uhh.
the neighbourhood nt bad.
My house mate also nt bad.
They are nice people.
bby came to visit that time.
He say he prefer me staying the new place than the old one.
according to him the new place is much more happening.
hmm. Yelah tu.

Anw, last saturday went to visit mum.
I walk into the cubicle je dah start nangis.
Seeing her in that kind of state makes me sad.
I look into her eyes. I can feel her sorrows, sadness and burdens.
She ask me, hows my studies.
I told her about my irregular attentdance at sch.
I've lost interest in studies.
She beg me to continue and finished my olevels.
for her sake i will.
then we talk and talk.
she just could'nt stop crying.
my heart sank when she ask me, do i hate her.
nooooooooo!
i know she got her own reasons.
i love her.
i don't care what people say sbout my mum.
then she explain, this is the reason why she didn't let us stay with her.
she didn't want us involve.
ohh ibu.
before we knew time flies very fast.
visiting time is over.
she whisper into the microphone, saying that she's sorry for what happen.
she ask me to take good care of my siblings and myself.
and lastly, that she love me.
tears flowing like tap water.
if only i could break the glass panel that is between us, i want to hug her.
her palm and my palm were on the glass, kinda intervential.
my heart keberatan to leave the cubicle.
still, gtg.
i walked then turn around and waved at her.
she waved back.
i could see she cry with her hands covered mouth, controling her emotions.
i could'nt take it seeing her like that.
suddenly, i kneeled down on my knees and cried.
"ibuuu!" i shout and cry.
i don't know what was i doing.
i don't want to leave without her.
until two police officers had to held me up and take me away from there.
who on earth could bear to see a mother's tears?
i cannot control myself.
1st sep suppose to be her sentence hearing day, but it was postphoned.
hopefully her sentenced can be lighten.
MUMMY, I LOVE YOU.
with a heavy heart i leave the changi womens prison crying.

ibu ohh ibu.

2009-08-03T21:12:00.003+08:00

i dreamt about mum yesterday night.
In my dream, she was on a swing..crying.
I approached her and ask why.
She said she was sad that she was unable to takecare of her children.
Seeing her crying, i felt sad and sorry.
I want to comfort her and give my shoulder for her to cry on.
However my hands could'nt reached her.
As if she was far away padehal she was right beside me.
then she get up from the swing and start walking towards the light.
i was shouting on top of my lungs for her but she didn't turn around.
Seconds latr she was gone.
I woke up from the nightmare and felt tears flowing through my eyes.
Ohh god, what is the meaning of my dream? What message are you trying to convey?
Mummy, i'm scared.
I miss you.
Why must you do the 'stupid thing'?
What passed is passed.
I've forgive you.
You had your reasons.
In my prayers, i pray may your punishment be lighten.
I don't wish you to stay in there longer or being hanged.
I want you to be here and watch your children grow.
I yearned for mother's love.
Now, i can't even feel her love or even her touched.
I can't even visit her.
Lawyer say that she is still in rehab.
I was lyke, for god sake can't i even at least visit her? I'm her daughter.
they just don't allow yet.
Even daddy starting to miss her.
All families members was shocked by the news.
Nobody expect this to happen.
But it did.
Mummy...
Why must this happen?
I've nt been going to sch lately.
Been very busy with packing the stuff for shifting house.
Just imagine, shelter house.
Common living room, kitchen and toilet.
Two bedrooms. One bedroom for my family and another bedroom belong to other family who lived there.
Means there two families cramped into one house.
Hopefully the other family tu good people.
Non-chinese nor matreps k.
Bby didn't really like the idea of moving into shelter house.
He say he's concern about my safety.
but what to do, desperate times called for desperate measures.
even now grandaddy and uncle living with us.
Satu hal pulak kene jaga org tua tu.
He got stroke uh, but slowly healing.
Step-mum also stuck herself in batam, problem.
wait till 3 months then she cn come back to singapore.
Nw i have to manage household chores on my own.
My takecare of my little brother lagi.
Waduh2.
Then this 8 aug must get out from the house.
been slacking with studies also.
Art coursewerk still board 4.
SO little times so much to do.
Fuck laa.

"mummy, may allah always be with you. I love you no matter what. How i wish you are here. Perhaps my life would be so much better"

Bby, thanks for lending me your shoulders for me to cry on. I can't bear to lose my love ones again.